Stan Lee Redbottom

Kande and her S.O. agree to meet up with Heidi and the Librarian and their two children at a family reunion in Ft. Madison, Iowa.

"I know!" Kande excitedly tells her S.O. "I'll make Heidi a sock monkey! Won't she be surprised? And it will be 1,000 times cuter than any other ol' monkey because it will be my work of art."

"Whatever," her S.O. said. She was busy downloading Wilco music onto her ipod.

Later, Kande gazed at awe at her newest masterpiece. "I will call you Stan," she informed the sock monkey.

'What a sucky name,' thought the monkey. 'How will I make it with any girls with the name Stan? I sound like an actuary.'

Kande went out to pack the car and load the bikes onto the rack. At the last minute, she tossed Stan into the rearview mirror, only bringing him out so he could watch her eat piece after piece of banana cream pie at every little pie joint from D.C. to Iowa.

'Sadist,' thought Stan as he watched Kande pork out. 'If she eats any more, she'll burst out of her bike shorts.' This thought immediately cheered him up.

Kande and her S.O. FINALLY limped into the parking lot of the hotel. The car had blown a radiator hose just as they'd reached town. Kande couldn't wait to show Heidi Stan.

"Here!" she shouted, thrusting the hapless monkey into the arms of his new owner.

"Oh, he's so cute!" Heidi cooed. Stan immediately forgave her the cooing, recognizing a favored child when he saw one. And so nice! And so attractive her ownself! And so modest -- never would she go on and on about herself in a blogpost. Anyhoo. "What's his name?" she asked Kande.

"Stan. It fits him, don't you think?" Stan shot Kande his dirtiest look, but naturally it went right over her pie-laden head.

"Stanley," Heidi mused.

"Stan." Kande corrected her. "Not Stanley. Stan."

"He's my monkey. I'll name him Stan Lee Redbottom. He's showing his red bottom, which I think among monkeys means he's horny."

"My sock critters do NOT get horny," Kande informed her between gritted teeth.

Heidi cocked an eyebrow. "I beg to differ, dear sister."

Stan was both embarrassed and pleased. Embarrassed that his horniness could be seen so clearly. And pleased, because maybe now, Dear God, he could get laid. Surely there was a female sock critter somewhere?

Kande reached over to grab Stan out of her sister's arms when a little finger reached out and poked her in the nose. "You a boy."

"Eek! Demon Child!" Kande jumped on a chair and continued her girlish shrieking. Every time she saw her youngest child she threatened Kande. She was also the author and singer of the infamous song, "What Happens When You Die" which their father had taped and sent out to her. She gave Kande the heebie-jeebies.

She gave Stan the heebie-jeebies too. She fixed her bright blue gaze on him and snatched him from her mother, who thankfully snatched him right back. "Stan is mine. You have your toys, Stan is mine."

Stan smiled. At last! He was a boy toy.

And so it begins...

Kande sighed as she watched the Mystics on a cold, dreary Saturday. She picked lint off the couch and then pretended to pick it off her Significant Other (S.O.)

"Knock it off," her S.O. told her as she tried to concentrate on her laptop. She shifted irritably when Kande tried to get her to rub the top of her shorn head. "What's your problem?"

Kande threw herself sideways onto the couch. "I'm bored," she whined. "I don't have anything to do. And I already TiVo'ed this game."

"The dishes need to be washed," her S.O. informed her archly. Honestly, Kande never stirred her stumps to do any housework. She inclined her head towards the kitchen, where stacks of cutlery and plates were leaning precariously.

"Don't wanna." Kande stuck out her lower lip. She wanted to do something fun. She wanted to do something interesting. She did NOT want to do anything that even vaguely looked like work. She was no dummy, if doing dishes were fun there would be no stacks.

"Fine." Her S.O. carefully put the laptop down on the coffee table. "I have something you might like." She heaved herself off the couch and walked over to her desk and rummaged around in the top drawer. She glanced over at Kande who was watching her expectantly and took a deep breath and tossed a package in the general direction of the couch. Kande snagged it deftly out of mid-air before it crashed into the laptop.

"What's this?" She read the label. "A sock monkey?"

"Yes. Although..." her S.O. slanted her eyes towards Kande and then back at the laptop. "You know, maybe it's not such a good idea. I know you're not domestically inclined." She sighed. "In fact, maybe you should just give it back and I'll send it to your sister. She could probably make it. I don't think you're capable."

Kande glared at her. She was capable, she was sure of it. Sure, it involved socks, and needles, and cotton batting but she'd grown up with a seamstress mother. Nobody was going to tell Kande she wasn't capable. No way, no how. She looked at the label with the picture of a sock monkey and studies it for a moment. She could make a monkey that was ten times cuter than that insipid goon.

Ten weeks later, she called her sister Heidi. "Guess what I'm doing."

"Picking your toes?"

"No! I'm making sock monkeys."

There was silence on the other end of the line. "Excuse me, did you say you were making something? Sock Monkeys? Are you delusional?"

Kande scowled at the phone. "I'm capable. I can handle needles, and socks, and cotton batting."

"Huh. Do they look like sock monkeys?"

"Of course they look like sock monkeys! But I'm getting bored with sock monkeys, I need to branch out. Show off my talent."

On the other end of the line, Heidi looked at the phone incredulously. "Your talent? Just how many monkeys have you made?"

"Um...enough that I had to build a special shelf for all of them. Maybe 20 or so?"

Heidi dropped the phone and then picked it back up. "You made 20 sock monkeys? I don't believe it! Send me one..."

And that's when it all began.