Meet the characters: Grunt and Jeremy

Grunt: Grunt (headhunter, and not the employee recruiting kind), and Jeremy (shrunken head) here. We know what you're thinking. Where are you guys from and how is it you're best friends? Well, here's our story. I'm originally from Iowa and Jeremy is from Minnesota. Midwestern guys, that's what we are.

Jeremy: We met as freshmen in college when we were assigned as roommates. Grunt was attending on a physics scholarship, while I was trying to make the football team as a walk-on. During spring break of our sophomore year, while everyone else was headed to Florida (yawn), we decided to reenact Gilligan's Island. We set sail during a storm and washed up on shore. Turned out to be in Fort Lauderdale, so we spent spring break in Florida after all.

Grunt: Anyway, I lost my books during the storm so went to a used book store to find something to read. Feeling adventurous, I closed my eyes, stuck my hand in the bargain bin, and pulled out a book about the secret to shrinking heads. That night, while Jeremy was passed out in a drunken stupor, I tried it out. It worked! That was so cool! Except now Jeremy was just a shrunken head. Not wanting to leave my best friend alone in such a state, I attached a bone to my upper lip, dressed in a loin cloth, and suspended Jeremy over a pot of boiling water.

Jeremy: I wasn't too happy when I woke up. I knew I'd never make the football team now. How can I punt when I'm just a head? But when I saw what Grunt had done in solidarity, all was forgiven.

Grunt: I felt bad that Jeremy hasn't been able to live out his dream as a division III punter, but I think it's all worked out. Kind of hard to shave around this bone, though.

The Socks Break Out

“But how can we get out?” Demon Dave asked plaintively. “They’d see us if we tried to get out the door.”

“That is a stumper,” his boss admitted, after cuffing Dave on the head for being whiny. “Stan, any ideas?”

The Sock Monkey rubbed a paw over the bald pate of his head. Everyone looked at him expectantly; he was usually the first Sock to come up with a course of action. And yet, nothing came to mind. The doors were monitored, the windows had screens, and he had yet to find a mouse hole.

“Maybe we could con the demon child into taking one of us out? And then that Sock could let the others out?” Stan knew it was a lame idea as soon as it came out of his mouth.

“Are you cuckoo for cocoa puffs?” Satan asked in disbelief. “Who’s going to volunteer to go outside with that nut job? She’d dismember first, and lie about it later.”

Demon Dave had turned gray when Stan mentioned his idea and his usual sooty color came back as soon as Satan dismissed it. He’d been afraid they’d send him with Demon child. Just because they called her Demon child and he was a demon was where any resemblance between the two ended. He was evil because he was a demon. She was evil because she enjoyed it. This was a huge, mongo difference. One didn’t enjoy demonhood, one endured it.

Just then, the front door flew open and Kande stepped in with a laundry basket. “Whoa. This house is filthy. Did someone have a party where I wasn’t invited?”

Satan sniffed. “We’ve never invited you to a party, and yet you continue to show up like the bad seed you are.”

Kande scowled at him. “Keep talking smack and I won’t leave my laundry. Where’s my Sis?”

“I’m right here.” Heidi tiptoed gingerly into the room, moving ankle-deep through the debris the Socks had continued to scatter throughout their debate. “What do you mean, you’re leaving your laundry? Do YOU think I’m the maid too?”

“The S.O. is in Alaska,” Kande whined. “She usually does my laundry.”

“You’re pathetic, you know that?” Heidi sighed. “Fine. The Socks will carry it piece by piece into the laundry room.”

A chorus of ‘Are you crazy? Us work?’ breaks out.

Heidi holds up a hand. “Either you do as I ask, or the pizza gravy train ends here.”

Stan and Satan led the Socks into grabbing myriad pieces of Kande’s laundry and trailing toward the laundry room. Several of them had to be carried once they got a whiff of her socks. The Sock Sisters watched them making their sorry way out of the room.

Kande turned towards Heidi. “You feed them pizza gravy? No wonder they’re all looking like they’ve put on some junk in the trunk.”

As the sisters squabble about the Socks’ diet and resulting lumpiness, Stan and Satan led the crew into the laundry room.

“If you push me up, I can get into the washing machine and you can toss up the laundry,” Stan informed the assembled crew, turning tail first toward the group and waiting expectantly.

Satan sighed. “OK, get on my shoulders.”

Stan expertly clambered up while Satan staggered beneath his weight. “Oh my aching shoulders, you weigh a ton for a sock.”

Stan’s retort was muffled when he fell headfirst into a jumble of wet clothes. Finally, he emerged. “Crap, there’s a bunch of clothes in here we’re going to have to transfer to the dryer.”

Heidi suddenly popped her head in, scaring half the Socks into fainting fits. “I forgot to tell you, there’s damp clothes in the washer that you’ll need to transfer to the dryer.” She disappeared again.

Satan threw up his hands. “Good night, that woman is treating us like household slaves. “ He went down when Stan threw a sopping wet pair of jeans on him.

“Boss! Boss! Are you OK?” Demon Dave struggled to lift the jeans off his sprawled employer while the muffled cursing caused his cheeks to burn red.

Satan managed to struggle from beneath the jeans in spite of Demon Dave’s fumbled attempts at help. “Well. Now I suppose we’re somehow supposed to lift these into the dryer?” he spat, looking up at the dryer door. To a Sock, the door stood a whole head over the tallest Sock. He sighed. “Demon Dave, Mabel, get over here and give me a boost. And put down that rosary!” he barked at Mabel. “Are you trying to kill me?”

Satan put his foot on their joined hands, and the two boosted him up to the dryer opening. “Hey, there’s a hole back here!” he shouted down to the Socks.

Stan stopped throwing wet clothes out of the washer. “Really? Where does it go?”

“I don’t know.” Satan’s voice came out of the dryer, oddly distorted. “I’m going to check it out.”

The assembled Socks wait patiently at first, and then grow increasingly agitated as the minutes ticked by. Demon Dave’s eyes welled with tears. “Boss?” he called tremulously. “Boss!”

“Shhhh!” Stan jumped out of the washer and listened intently. “There’s a tapping noise. Hear it?”

The group all strained to hear. Sure enough, there was a noise that sounded suspiciously like someone pounding on a window, hoarsely screaming for them to ‘look up, look up, damnit!’

Runaway Socks

“Honeys, I’m home!” Heidi sang out as she attempted to step into the house after a long tedious day at work. “What the he--!” She turned the knob, but the door wouldn’t budge. She shoved harder on the door and it finally started to move inch by inch. She threw her whole weight behind it and the door flew open, causing her to sprawl face first onto the filthy kitchen floor. The pile of tiny shoes, toys, debris, and dishes that had been stashed behind the door fell on top of her.

“Oof. Ew. Sticky.” Heidi pulled her head up with a sucking sound, and carefully looked around her. There were papers on every flat surface, and dishes piled a foot high around the sink. Dirt from a broken pot and some strewn leaves were in a corner and toys were thrown everywhere. She peeked around the corner to see the socks all staring blankly at a show on TV. They were hemmed in by pop bottles, empty ice cream containers, and piles of crumpled up chip bags.

“Enough with those stupid Kadashians, already,” she fumed as she crawled across the floor and jabbed the remote viciously at the screen. “They’re stupid, ill-behaved people, and I can’t believe you guys have been sucked into that stupid show.”

“Nice juicy ass on the one,” Satan retorted, making an obscene gesture with his hands.

“I’m fascinated with Bruce Jenner myself,” Stan admitted, as he sucked the last drop from a juice box and tossed it over his shoulder. Heidi stared at him, speechless for once. Stan saw her staring and misinterpreted her dismay. “I know, I know! He shouldn’t be that interesting, but I can’t quite correlate the Olympic star with that guy on TV.”

Heidi jabbed a finger at the juice box, and the other pile of garbage that littered the floor. “Don’t you guys ever pick up after yourselves?”

Satan shrugged. “I thought that’s what you were for.” Demon Dave glanced at his boss and inched away from him when he noticed Heidi’s puce face.

“You think I’m your maid?” Heidi asked in a dangerously quiet voice.

Satan still hadn’t noticed the danger signs. “Humans, my dear, have always been in service to the Lord of Darkness, the King of Despair. In other words…moi. So yes, I guess that means you could legitimately be called a maid. Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!”

Heidi had picked up Satan by a non-existent ear and was shaking him wildly.

“I.am.not.the.maid.” she enunciated loudly and clearly. She glanced around the group, all who were watching in shocked silence and holding on to any protruding body parts in case Heidi got another wild hair and started grabbing willy-nilly. “Everyone clear on that?” They nodded. “Good. Clean this mess up.”

She tossed Satan onto the couch and disappeared into her bedroom. “ARGH!” they heard her scream and then a blessed silence, marred only by the occasional curse and banging of objects.

Satan sat above the others on the couch, rubbing his swollen head. “Honestly, the nerve of her. She is SO going to Hell for that.”

Demon Dave decided it was now safe to support his boss. “Yeah. Who does she think she is?”

Mabel held her rosary tight to her chest and looked around the room. Cookie crumbs were scattered all over the room from the food fight the Socks had held earlier. “It is a tad messy,” she admitted.

Stan jumped up from where he was sitting against a torn cushion from their earlier pillow fight, AFTER the food fight. “What does she expect? She leaves us alone all day, we’ve got to do something to amuse ourselves. And we ARE socks, it’s not like we have the strength to run the vacuum.”

There’s a few muttered “Hear, hear!” and “Yeah, who does she think she is?” among the group. KS offers to take Heidi down.

“Let’s not be too hasty,” Stan holds out his paws towards the group. “We don’t want to assassinate her, but maybe we could teach her a lesson.”

Grunt the cannibal and Jeremy immediately got excited. “A cooking lesson?”

Satan hopped down from his perch so that he was among the group. “After the 4th of July incident, where she left me to be dressed like a Barbie, I’ve been thinking maybe we don’t need the Sock Sisters.”

There was a prolonged silence after this statement. Finally, one of the smaller socks got up the nerve to ask the question they all wanted to know. “But…where would we get our food?”

Grunt held up his spear. “We could hunt! I’ve got a spear, and KS has all kinds of weaponry.”

KS pointed to the toolbelt around her waist. She had guns, knives, a length of rope, handcuffs, a chainsaw, and a teeny-tiny cat. She pulled up her pants legs to reveal more guns and knives. It soon becomes clear that not only does she have weaponry stashed in every conceivable crevice, but she’s also a weapon herself as she demonstrated her martial arts and biting skills.

Demon Dave rubbed liniment on a couple of socks that were bitten during the demonstration. “OK, so where would we go?”

Stan waved them all the the window and pointed to the wooded area in the backyard. “We’ll camp out over there. That way, we can raid the house if we need anything. And Heidi and Kande can look out and see what they’re missing. I.E., us!”

“Stan, you the man,” Satan said, rubbing his hands together. “Lead the way, dear monkey. Lead the way.”

Thus, the mass sock exodus had begun.

Meet the characters: Stan Lee Redbottom

My name is Stan Lee Redbottom, the playboy sock monkey. This photo was taken by the paparazzi that follow my every move. Oh, to be a celebrity today is a burden! All I was trying to do was to take some time off with my Barbie friends. A little drink, a little sun...is it my fault the Barbies decided to undress? I thought it was a bit chilly that day, which is why I'm wearing my snazzy smoking jacket.

When I'm not cavorting with the ladies, I spend my time at the home of the elder Kande Sister, along with some of my sock buddies, like Demon Dave and Scissors. You'll meet them later. They are a couple of characters, let me tell ya! Ha ha! Ah, the stories I could tell...

So a little about me. I was born in a mini-van, somewhere in the state of Iowa. I was quite happy with my intellectual pursuits until I received the smoking jacket in the mail a few weeks later. I immediately abandoned my research into creating an affordable alternative fuel and took up martinis and cigars. And the ladies. You've read the rest in People.

The Socks 4th of July

(The names in this story have been left out, to protect the people who thought I needed psychiatric treatment, BECAUSE THEY ARE WRONG.)

Stan, Satan, and Demon Dave were in the back of the van, doing a jig and singing. “We’re going to a PAR-TAY,” they chanted in rap rhythm. Stan was doing the head bop, Satan was doing a smooth swing, and Dave was workin’ a booty pop and pointing the occasional finger gun. Cody just shambled next to the trio, doing his own thing.

“Pipe down!” Heidi shouted back at them as she swerved to miss a biker. “I’m trying to drive up here. “ She craned her neck to look into the rearview mirror. “And sit on your bottoms and put your seat belts on.”

“Sit on your bottoms,” Satan grumbled as he finished snapping the seatbelt into place over the four of them. “I’m the Prince of Darkness. One doesn’t ever refer to my ‘bottom.’ And,” he said loudly, “one asks nicely.”

Heidi waved her hand at him. “Whatever.”

Heidi’s children and the Librarian just shook their heads. They were used to Heidi ranting and mumbling beneath her breath. They couldn’t understand why she felt it necessary to bring the four sock critters to the party with her, but were scared to ask. She had said something about introducing the critters to her writer friends. The three of them peered back at the sock critters, crowded together in one seat.

The sock critters looked back at them blankly. They saw no reason to be animated for every human they knew. Most children saw through their ‘toy’ façade, but the adults rarely did. Heidi and Kande – the Sock Sisters – were unique in that ability. (It also raised a question as to whether or not the two actually qualified as “adults.”)

Suddenly, Heidi stepped on the brake, causing everyone to jerk in their seats. “We’re here,” she announced as she pulled into the driveway of an old farm house. The group could see people wandering around with chairs and food around a couple of plank picnic tables.

The Librarian and the children collected the food and chairs from the van, while Heidi gathered the sock critters. “No arguing,” she whispered to them as she smoothed down hair and clothing, “and no fussing.”

“I don’t see any Barbies,” Stan said, as he attempted to peer around Heidi. “What’s a party without Barbies?”

Heidi sighed. “Just get your brain out of the gutter for once, would you? My friends want to meet you.”

“Would your friends happen to be Barbies?”
“No!” Heidi snapped. “They would not! “

Stan crossed his arms with a mutinous look on his face. Dave looked worried, Cody looked his usual vacant self, but Satan looked interested.

“Would your friends, by chance, be evil incarnate?” he asked. “As in… anyone I know?”

“Good question,” Heidi said and glanced furtively around. “Is there anyone here you know?” So I can avoid them, she thought to herself. Who wants to buddy up to a sociopath?

Satan looked around and then sighed. “No, they’re all strangers.”

“Good. I mean, poo,” Heidi said as she carried the foursome over to a grouping of chairs where sat two women and a man. “Hey guys, I brought sock critters.”

The man looked worried, but the brown-haired woman sitting next to him patted his knee. “Don’t worry, she writes about them.”

Heidi stooped and arranged the sock critters in a chair. “This is Stan Lee Redbottom, my sock monkey. This one is his best friend, Cody the zombie, and this is Satan and his henchman Demon Dave. Say hi to the nice people, guys.”

The sock critters stared blankly straight ahead and remained as she had arranged them except for Cody, who sloped over until his face was on his knees. Heidi jerked him upright. “What are you doing?” she hissed at the four. “Make nice right this instant. Stop acting like you’re dolls.”

The women and the man looked at Heidi, at each other, and back to the sock critters.
“What do you call someone who speaks to sock critters?” asked the man.

“Delusional,” said the blonde under her breath.

The brown-haired woman looked worried. “She looks so normal…” she began.

“But she’s definitely not,” finished the blonde. “No, indeedy.”

Heidi flushed. She put her hands on her hips and her face right up to the sock critters. “Say hello NOW.”

“Show me the Barbies first,” Stan whispered furiously without moving a yarn on his little socky head.

“You can’t make us talk to them,” Satan gloated, his beady black eyes steady. Fortunately for Stan and Satan, Heidi’s petite rumpus blocked her friends’ view, so they didn’t notice the sock rebellion.

“Heidi, I think you’ve had too much sun,” the two women took an arm each and propelled Heidi into the house. The man shook his head and wandered over to another group where he started gesturing toward the sock critters.

The sock critters were all for celebrating their victory by hopping down and helping themselves to the beer when they realized two children were standing in front of them.

“You moved, I saw you,” the boy said to Demon Dave. “I bet you’re hungry.” He jammed a hot dog into Demon Dave’s mouth before the little demon could say anything.

The girl eyed the remaining three, dug into her backpack, and pulled out a naked Barbie. Stan’s eyes lit up. “We’ll play dolls!” the girl announced happily.

An hour later, Heidi strolled over to pick up the sock critters. She carried Cody tightly tucked beneath her arm. “Fun’s over,” she told the other three as she picked them up. “You guys were supposed to be keeping an eye on Cody, I found him in the garden terrorizing field mice.”

“Dude,” Stan said, waving his paw over his nose as Heidi crushed him next to Cody. “You have mouse breath.” Cody just continued with his steady drool, a mouse whisker matted next to his mouth.

“That was excruciating,” Satan huffed as Heidi tucked the four of them back into their car seat. “I’m wearing a tiara.” He ripped it off and threw it, and then wriggled his way out of the Barbie ballgown. “I don’t know how those Barbies wear these hideous things.”

“At least you had clothes on.” Stan said forlornly. “I was mushed up against that Barbie and I couldn’t perform. “ The others gasp. “Because it was in front of a child, you ninnies! “ He slumped up against the chair and put his paw over his eyes. “My reputation is ruined.”

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” Heidi chided. “The Barbies at home don’t know about your bout of monkey morals.”

“You obviously know nothing about Barbies,” Satan informed her. “They share a universal mind. What one Barbie knows, they all know.” Stan nodded his head glumly in agreement and slumped lower.

“Ouch.” Heidi grimaced. “Well, I’m sure then they’ll all know you couldn’t perform for moral reasons.”

“They’re not that deep,” Stan groaned. “And they have no morals. “

“And you.” Heidi poked Demon Dave into his weirdly distended belly. Dave promptly threw up on Satan. “Ew. I was going to ask you what you were doing, but it now seems obvious.”

“Sorry boss.” Demon Dave gestured weakly at Satan, who is looking down at his lap with his mouth open in astonishment and disgust. “That kid made me eat five hotdogs, two helpings of potato salad, six different desserts, and a daddy longlegs. Oh look, the spider’s still alive.”

The spider was gingerly making its way out of the goop covering Satan’s torso. Satan growled and crushed it in one little sock fist. “Not any more, it’s not. “

Heidi dabbed ineffectively at the vomit with a used Kleenex, gave up, and handed the Kleenex to Stan to finish the job. “Well, I hope you guys have learned your lesson today. This is what you get for ignoring me in front of my friends. Thanks to the four of you, they now think I’m psychotic.”

“Oh please, they already thought that. You can’t blame your mental state on us,” Satan archly informed her. He wrestled the used Kleenex away from Stan, who was smearing the vomit further and lit it on fire with his pinkie finger. He then pointed the finger at his torso and muttered something in Latin. The vomit disappeared and was replaced with a tuxedo.

“They may have thought it, but now they have proof. You’re just lucky they didn’t decide to have me committed then and there. What would have happened to the four of you?” Heidi ignored the tuxedo trick. She’d seen Satan do that little parlor trick before, and it had lost its appeal. She supposed she should consider herself lucky his powers were limited when he was in sock form.

The four sock critters looked at each other. What would they do without the Sock Sisters? Would life even be worth living? Or would it be better? It might be time to find out.

Bubba Gets His Revenge

"I can't believe you slimed me," Heidi sputtered to Bubba, as they slopped their way up the steps from the basement. Heidi is dripping green globules, and her hair is plastered to her head in a most unbecoming fashion. "That's so 'Ghostbusters.' Aliens don't slime, they..."

Bubba makes a hand gesture. Heidi paled.

"No, I most certainly would NOT have preferred to have been probed! Ghostbuster tactics are just fine," she snapped.

Bubba rubbed his bulbous head. Actually, what he asked had been would she have preferred splinters beneath her nails. This was a wonderful technique that KS, the little assassin sock, had told him about in great detail. It was just that when Bubba went down to the basement to enact his revenge on Heidi for taking the cat out of his mouth, she'd looked so pathetic spread-eagled beneath a large plaster of wallpaper that he'd taken pity on her. Hence, only the sliming.

Honestly, humans were lame. Probing was so 70's.

The Socks Hold a Wedding Shower

"Where the heck is Heidi?" Kande asks irritably, looking at her watch for the umpteenth millionth time. "I want to open some presents."

Kande is sitting on her forest green couch, surrounded by socks. Some are perched precariously on the back of the couch, while others huddle near her feet.

"Open ours first!" pipe up Grunt the Cannibal and Jeremy his tiny shrunken headed friend.

"No, he should open up Cal's first," Mabel butted between the two, knocking Jeremy head-first into the ranch dip. She gingerly picks him out, taking her little finger and wiping off the dip inside one ear. "They go together, remember?"

Kande is sceptical. Cal is a Cadaver sock, and his mother, Mabel, is forever speaking on his behalf. In fact, half the time she was the one moving him around too. When would Cal ever get out from under his mother's influence? But...she is here to open presents, after all. Too bad her S.O. stayed back in California to hang out with her sister another week. And speaking of sisters...

"Don't you think I should wait for Heidi? The shower was her idea." The question was rhetorical. Kande is already tearing into Cal's gift. "It's a...what is it exactly, Cal?"

Grunt speaks for Cal. "It's a length of his intestine!"

Kande drops the snaky thing back in the box. "Gee, what a personal gift. I'm not sure I should accept, he might need some of that." Then she remembers. "And you said your gift went with it?"

Grunt shoves his and Jeremy's gift into her hands. "Open it! Open it!" All the socks take up the cry. "Open it! Open it!"

Outnumbered, Kande feels she has no choice but to open the gift, which she does very carefully. There's no stench. And no obvious blood. Perhaps it's not anything to do with body parts. But alas, she'd jumped to conclusions too soon.

"It's uh...um...glutinous," she manages.

"It's the stomach contents of a vegetarian," Grunt gushes. "Jeremy and I know you don't eat meat, so we thought it would be perfect. And he didn't feel a thing, did he Jeremy?"

Kande's face is an interesting shade of green. "And you thought this would go with a length of intestine, how? No, no, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

More presents follow, thankfully containing no body parts or a body's contents. The rosary Mabel gave her is given a spot on the coffee table carefully away from the gaggle of demons Satan brought to the party with him.

Kande gives her watch another glance. "For Pete's sake! Where is my sister?"

There's a 'huh, huh, huh" sound behind her. Turning to look, she sees Satan's prime henchman Dave doubled over, grunting out a laugh in his gravelly voice. "Are you laughing, Dave?"

"Oh, hoo," Dave grunts out. "Where's your sister? You should ask the Boss. It's a good one, aint it Boss?"

Kande's head swivels to glare at Satan, who is studiously studying his fingernails. "She was bringing the cake, you big dark doofus. It's devil's food."

Satan throws up his little sock hands. "Oh hell and damnation! Dave, why didn't you tell me she was in charge of the cake?"

Dave stops giggling and looks dumbfounded. "But I thought what you did was your gift for Kande."

"Oh well, it is, but had I known she was bringing cake, I would have delayed it."

Kande stands and towers over the two. Actually, she towers over them while sitting and while lying down. "What have you done?"

Satan points at the phone, which promptly rings. "Hello?"

Kande hears a tinny voice at the other end of the line. "Hi Sis! Happy Wedding Shower Day!"

Kande's lips thin (even thinner than usual). "Where are you? And why aren't you here? And where's my cake?"

"Oh, well, you know how career counselors always tell you if you can't imagine your ideal job, you should at least outline your Hell job? Well, that's where I am. In Hell."

"Satan sent you to Hell?"

"Oh no, my boss did that."

"So what makes it Hell?"

"Oh..." Heidi hesitates, then it all comes out in a rush. "I'm in the basement wallpapering the auditor's office and I'm all wrapped up."

"Get unwrapped up and get over here. With my cake!"

"You don't understand. I'm literally wrapped up. You know, me, glue, wallpaper, a bad case of being unable to measure...it was a disaster in the making."

Kande closes her eyes. She gets it, all right. Heidi has managed to wallpaper over herself. She glares at the little demon minions who are high-fiving each other all over the coffee table, hopping around like fleas. Occasioanlly, one comes into contact with the rosary and disappears into a puff of smoke.

"I'll send someone right over. Bubba!"

Bubba's eyes light up. He still hadn't forgiven Heidi for taking away the cat when Kande was gone. Now's his big chance to get even.

Kande Gets Married

Heidi arrives at Kande's house with a sock crew in tow. Jiggling the lock with a wirepick she happened to borrow from KS -- the assassin sock -- she manages to break the doorknob and then kicks in the door.

"OK gang," She says an hour later, once she'd managed to get her foot extracted from the bottom of the screen door she'd kicked to splinters. "We're here on a reconnaissance. Bubba should be around here somewhere."

All the socks knew Bubba, the little alien Kande had taken in and treated like a slave when his spaceship had crashed in the poison ivy haven that was her backyard. It was Bubba who had nursed them through the initial shock of being sewn into being, and Bubba who released them into independence in Sockville when Kande would have preferred to turn them into sweatshop socks. All the socks carried the "Intergalactic Guide to Alien Hand Gestures" so they could communicate with Bubba. Both Kande and Heidi knew that Bubba used hand signals to communicate, but they preferred instead to intuit what he meant rather than sit down and memorize the book. This had led to many disastrous and occasionally hilarious miscommunications. Bubba actually preferred the ignorance, as it made his quest to take over the world easier.

"Bubba! Oh, Bubba Lou! Where are you?" Heidi warbled as she gingerly stepped over the sock guts, thread, and needles that were strewn all over the floor. "This is weird," she muttered to herself. "It looks like there was a massacre in here."

The socks remained by the door. It was looking more and more like a crimescene. It was a good thing that Kande and her S.O. had travelled to California to get married. No telling what would have happened to them if they'd stayed.

"Hey!" Heidi turned around and saw the socks huddling by the door. "Bubba won't eat you guys," she said soothingly. "He just eats cats." Her eyes widened. The cats! Of course Bubba would have gone after the cats. She strode to the door in two steps and started shoving socks towards entryways. "Shoo! Go! Search! I think Bubba's made a mess going after the cats."

The socks scattered. Several of them went to play basketball with the monkeys. A few of them started doing resuscitation efforts on one of Kande's bike socks laying by the couch. After a few minutes of enduring the stench, they all started reeling and gasping, falling on their backs on the floor. Heidi watched for a moment, shaking her head. "Oh for Pete's sake. I'll find Bubba by myself."

Suddenly, a shout is heard. "He's in here! I found him!" Heidi and the socks rush into the bedroom, where Bubba is lying on the bed wearing Kande's robe and a cat tail starting to disappear into his little mouth. Heidi grabbed him and started shaking him violently.

"Spit it out, you little green viper!" Bubba made a hurling sound and a very wet and very angry cat is hurled across the room, scattering the socks like bowling pins.

"Ooh, just wait until I get you home," Heidi growls at the little alien.