Bzzzt….bzzzt…bzzzt. Heidi groans as she rolls from her nice, warm bed to cross the room and turn off her alarm clock. Wiping gook from her eyes, she sleepwalks towards the bathroom, but stumbles over something hard. “Ouch! What the heck?”
Fumbling her way towards the light switch, Heidi gasps when the light reveals a posse of Sock critters armed with Robar rifles, complete with scopes. She swats at the red beam of light that appears to be aimed somewhere in the vicinity of her forehead.
“For Pete’s sake! Point that somewhere else!”
“Sorry,” Satan says unrepentantly. “Just practicing.”
“Go practice somewhere else,” Heidi tells him crossly. “No, wait. What are you guys doing, anyway?”
“Tonya invited us to go hunting with her and the first dude,” Stan tells her excitedly. “It’s part of kandemonkey’s grand plan.”
Heidi sits down hard on the side of the bed. “Grand plan for what?” she asks fearfully.
“We’re picking McCain & Co. off, one at a time,” Satan whispers out of the corner of his mouth. “The first dude thinks we’re going wolf hunting.”
“Oh God,” Heidi falls back on the bed. “You’re all going to get arrested. Or get me arrested. Or miss and shoot each other. I don’t know what’s worse. Are you sure this is kandemonkey’s idea?”
Stan scratched his head and looked at the others for help. Demon Dave shrugged. “Tonya said it was.”
“Do you guys never read Wikipedia? Tanya is a disaster on two legs.” Heidi informed them as she struggled upright. “I don’t think this is such a good idea.” She grabs Satan’s gun by the barrel. “Give me that.”
Satan tightens his grip. “Don’t be a spoilsport. I thought it sounded like a great idea. Kandemonkey needs all the help she can get.” The two fall to the ground. Demon Dave surrenders his gun, and Stan watches helplessly. A loud report is heard, and chunks of plaster from a sudden hole in the ceiling sprinkle the two with dust.
“ARGH. You just shot my ceiling!” Heidi screams, as with a final yank she pulls the rifle out of Satan’s hands.
“Great! Terrific! Now we’ve got to tell Tonya we can’t go,” Satan snarls.
Over by the window, Stan shakes his head. Headlights seem to spotlight him for a minute, and then they pass. “She’s already gone,” he said forlornly. “Now she’ll have the fun all to herself.”
Monday, September 22, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
The Socks Get Political
“Well, I know who I’m voting for,” Stan announced to the group one day, after spending half the afternoon on the computer.
Kande crammed another chip into her already full mouth. “Oo?”
“Kandemonkey!” Stan announced proudly. “I found his blog http://monkey4prez.blogspot.com/. He seems really current on the issues and get this: He’s a monkey!”
Kande swallowed hastily. “Maybe she’s a monkey.”
“Oh, I don’t think so. Here’s a picture of him.” He holds out a piece of paper, and everyone crowds closer to get a better look. Satan even shoves Demon Dave out of the way to peer at the picture.
“That looks like some guy in a sock monkey mask,” Satan says skeptically.
“Oof. Talk about putting lipstick on a pig,” Heidi smirks.
“No, all sock monkeys’ lips are like that,” Stan informs her innocently.
“I think Kandemonkey looks like quite a catch,” Kande says staunchly. “And would probably make an excellent president. There is a bowling alley in the White House, right?”
“I’m sure KANDEmonkey would like that,” Heidi says sarcastically. “Speaking of which,” she grabs the paper out of Stan’s hands and holds it next to Kande’s oversized head, “does this remind you of anyone?”
“Uncle Fritz!” Stan pipes up in an excited voice. “It looks just like my Uncle Fritz.”
“Kandemonkey looks like a monkey’s uncle?” Satan said incredulously.
Heidi chuckles. “I’d be a monkey’s uncle if kandemonkey was your uncle.”
“You’re kandemonkey’s uncle?” Stan’s little French knot eyes get big and round.
“No, er…it’s just an expression.” Heidi explains. “It means I’d be surprised if kandemonkey turned out to be a sock monkey.”
Stan, Satan, Cody, and Demon Dave look at her expectantly.
“What? WHAT?” Heidi asks.
“You’re acting as if you know the illustrious kandemonkey,” Satan tells her. “Do tell.”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“I’m not the one being a donkey’s ass,” Satan tells her. “Or a monkey’s uncle, or a dog’s paw. Who is kandemonkey?”
“It’s obviously…” Heidi begins.
“Oh, look at the time!” Kande exclaims, jumping up from the couch and spilling her bag of chips. “Time for Socks to go to bed!”
They all look at her. “It’s 4:30 in the afternoon.”
She clears her throat. “Right. So what kind of platform does kandemonkey have?”
“Let’s go look!” Stan says enthusiastically, and then leads the way as they all troop to the office computer and watch over Stan’s shoulder as he pulls up the website.
“Look, kandemonkey’s standing on a platform. Is that a gallows?” Satan asks gleefully.
“What? What kind of person stands on a gallows to deliver a message?” Heidi peers over Stan’s shoulder and then glares at her sister. “A very sick one, that’s who.”
“I like it,” Satan gloats. “And look, the running mate is Tanya Harding!”
Stan and Demon Dave looked at him. “Who?”
“The figure skater who’s husband kicked Nancy Kerrigan in the knee.” Satan stroked the screen. “She’s one of mine,” he said fondly.
“Ew. That’s a real vote of confidence,” Heidi moaned.
“I like it,” Stan announces decisively. “Kandemonkey needs a heavy hitter behind her. Vote for kandemonkey!” He starts marching around the room, pumping his paw in the air. Demon Dave joins him and pretty soon all the sock critters are having themselves a little rally. Kande watches from the sidelines with a big grin on her face, while Heidi rests her face in her hands.
Kande crammed another chip into her already full mouth. “Oo?”
“Kandemonkey!” Stan announced proudly. “I found his blog http://monkey4prez.blogspot.com/. He seems really current on the issues and get this: He’s a monkey!”
Kande swallowed hastily. “Maybe she’s a monkey.”
“Oh, I don’t think so. Here’s a picture of him.” He holds out a piece of paper, and everyone crowds closer to get a better look. Satan even shoves Demon Dave out of the way to peer at the picture.
“That looks like some guy in a sock monkey mask,” Satan says skeptically.
“Oof. Talk about putting lipstick on a pig,” Heidi smirks.
“No, all sock monkeys’ lips are like that,” Stan informs her innocently.
“I think Kandemonkey looks like quite a catch,” Kande says staunchly. “And would probably make an excellent president. There is a bowling alley in the White House, right?”
“I’m sure KANDEmonkey would like that,” Heidi says sarcastically. “Speaking of which,” she grabs the paper out of Stan’s hands and holds it next to Kande’s oversized head, “does this remind you of anyone?”
“Uncle Fritz!” Stan pipes up in an excited voice. “It looks just like my Uncle Fritz.”
“Kandemonkey looks like a monkey’s uncle?” Satan said incredulously.
Heidi chuckles. “I’d be a monkey’s uncle if kandemonkey was your uncle.”
“You’re kandemonkey’s uncle?” Stan’s little French knot eyes get big and round.
“No, er…it’s just an expression.” Heidi explains. “It means I’d be surprised if kandemonkey turned out to be a sock monkey.”
Stan, Satan, Cody, and Demon Dave look at her expectantly.
“What? WHAT?” Heidi asks.
“You’re acting as if you know the illustrious kandemonkey,” Satan tells her. “Do tell.”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“I’m not the one being a donkey’s ass,” Satan tells her. “Or a monkey’s uncle, or a dog’s paw. Who is kandemonkey?”
“It’s obviously…” Heidi begins.
“Oh, look at the time!” Kande exclaims, jumping up from the couch and spilling her bag of chips. “Time for Socks to go to bed!”
They all look at her. “It’s 4:30 in the afternoon.”
She clears her throat. “Right. So what kind of platform does kandemonkey have?”
“Let’s go look!” Stan says enthusiastically, and then leads the way as they all troop to the office computer and watch over Stan’s shoulder as he pulls up the website.
“Look, kandemonkey’s standing on a platform. Is that a gallows?” Satan asks gleefully.
“What? What kind of person stands on a gallows to deliver a message?” Heidi peers over Stan’s shoulder and then glares at her sister. “A very sick one, that’s who.”
“I like it,” Satan gloats. “And look, the running mate is Tanya Harding!”
Stan and Demon Dave looked at him. “Who?”
“The figure skater who’s husband kicked Nancy Kerrigan in the knee.” Satan stroked the screen. “She’s one of mine,” he said fondly.
“Ew. That’s a real vote of confidence,” Heidi moaned.
“I like it,” Stan announces decisively. “Kandemonkey needs a heavy hitter behind her. Vote for kandemonkey!” He starts marching around the room, pumping his paw in the air. Demon Dave joins him and pretty soon all the sock critters are having themselves a little rally. Kande watches from the sidelines with a big grin on her face, while Heidi rests her face in her hands.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Meet the characters: Cody
Well, not much more to say to introduce myself. You've read my story of how I became a zombie. I don't blame Stan, really. He doesn't want anyone to know this, but he's going bald. Yeah, that's right. A monkey going bald. A young one, at that. Tsk. Well, then, it's only fair that his best friend is a zombie. He's already thinking of ways to use me to get to the Barbies. Here's his latest idea: I'm supposed to lurch over to the gaggle of Barbies, drooling and saying, "Aagh. Brains." He thinks they'll go running to him to protect them. I'm not so sure. That smoking jacket may be hot, but it isn't exactly...manly.
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