The Socks 4th of July

(The names in this story have been left out, to protect the people who thought I needed psychiatric treatment, BECAUSE THEY ARE WRONG.)

Stan, Satan, and Demon Dave were in the back of the van, doing a jig and singing. “We’re going to a PAR-TAY,” they chanted in rap rhythm. Stan was doing the head bop, Satan was doing a smooth swing, and Dave was workin’ a booty pop and pointing the occasional finger gun. Cody just shambled next to the trio, doing his own thing.

“Pipe down!” Heidi shouted back at them as she swerved to miss a biker. “I’m trying to drive up here. “ She craned her neck to look into the rearview mirror. “And sit on your bottoms and put your seat belts on.”

“Sit on your bottoms,” Satan grumbled as he finished snapping the seatbelt into place over the four of them. “I’m the Prince of Darkness. One doesn’t ever refer to my ‘bottom.’ And,” he said loudly, “one asks nicely.”

Heidi waved her hand at him. “Whatever.”

Heidi’s children and the Librarian just shook their heads. They were used to Heidi ranting and mumbling beneath her breath. They couldn’t understand why she felt it necessary to bring the four sock critters to the party with her, but were scared to ask. She had said something about introducing the critters to her writer friends. The three of them peered back at the sock critters, crowded together in one seat.

The sock critters looked back at them blankly. They saw no reason to be animated for every human they knew. Most children saw through their ‘toy’ façade, but the adults rarely did. Heidi and Kande – the Sock Sisters – were unique in that ability. (It also raised a question as to whether or not the two actually qualified as “adults.”)

Suddenly, Heidi stepped on the brake, causing everyone to jerk in their seats. “We’re here,” she announced as she pulled into the driveway of an old farm house. The group could see people wandering around with chairs and food around a couple of plank picnic tables.

The Librarian and the children collected the food and chairs from the van, while Heidi gathered the sock critters. “No arguing,” she whispered to them as she smoothed down hair and clothing, “and no fussing.”

“I don’t see any Barbies,” Stan said, as he attempted to peer around Heidi. “What’s a party without Barbies?”

Heidi sighed. “Just get your brain out of the gutter for once, would you? My friends want to meet you.”

“Would your friends happen to be Barbies?”
“No!” Heidi snapped. “They would not! “

Stan crossed his arms with a mutinous look on his face. Dave looked worried, Cody looked his usual vacant self, but Satan looked interested.

“Would your friends, by chance, be evil incarnate?” he asked. “As in… anyone I know?”

“Good question,” Heidi said and glanced furtively around. “Is there anyone here you know?” So I can avoid them, she thought to herself. Who wants to buddy up to a sociopath?

Satan looked around and then sighed. “No, they’re all strangers.”

“Good. I mean, poo,” Heidi said as she carried the foursome over to a grouping of chairs where sat two women and a man. “Hey guys, I brought sock critters.”

The man looked worried, but the brown-haired woman sitting next to him patted his knee. “Don’t worry, she writes about them.”

Heidi stooped and arranged the sock critters in a chair. “This is Stan Lee Redbottom, my sock monkey. This one is his best friend, Cody the zombie, and this is Satan and his henchman Demon Dave. Say hi to the nice people, guys.”

The sock critters stared blankly straight ahead and remained as she had arranged them except for Cody, who sloped over until his face was on his knees. Heidi jerked him upright. “What are you doing?” she hissed at the four. “Make nice right this instant. Stop acting like you’re dolls.”

The women and the man looked at Heidi, at each other, and back to the sock critters.
“What do you call someone who speaks to sock critters?” asked the man.

“Delusional,” said the blonde under her breath.

The brown-haired woman looked worried. “She looks so normal…” she began.

“But she’s definitely not,” finished the blonde. “No, indeedy.”

Heidi flushed. She put her hands on her hips and her face right up to the sock critters. “Say hello NOW.”

“Show me the Barbies first,” Stan whispered furiously without moving a yarn on his little socky head.

“You can’t make us talk to them,” Satan gloated, his beady black eyes steady. Fortunately for Stan and Satan, Heidi’s petite rumpus blocked her friends’ view, so they didn’t notice the sock rebellion.

“Heidi, I think you’ve had too much sun,” the two women took an arm each and propelled Heidi into the house. The man shook his head and wandered over to another group where he started gesturing toward the sock critters.

The sock critters were all for celebrating their victory by hopping down and helping themselves to the beer when they realized two children were standing in front of them.

“You moved, I saw you,” the boy said to Demon Dave. “I bet you’re hungry.” He jammed a hot dog into Demon Dave’s mouth before the little demon could say anything.

The girl eyed the remaining three, dug into her backpack, and pulled out a naked Barbie. Stan’s eyes lit up. “We’ll play dolls!” the girl announced happily.

An hour later, Heidi strolled over to pick up the sock critters. She carried Cody tightly tucked beneath her arm. “Fun’s over,” she told the other three as she picked them up. “You guys were supposed to be keeping an eye on Cody, I found him in the garden terrorizing field mice.”

“Dude,” Stan said, waving his paw over his nose as Heidi crushed him next to Cody. “You have mouse breath.” Cody just continued with his steady drool, a mouse whisker matted next to his mouth.

“That was excruciating,” Satan huffed as Heidi tucked the four of them back into their car seat. “I’m wearing a tiara.” He ripped it off and threw it, and then wriggled his way out of the Barbie ballgown. “I don’t know how those Barbies wear these hideous things.”

“At least you had clothes on.” Stan said forlornly. “I was mushed up against that Barbie and I couldn’t perform. “ The others gasp. “Because it was in front of a child, you ninnies! “ He slumped up against the chair and put his paw over his eyes. “My reputation is ruined.”

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” Heidi chided. “The Barbies at home don’t know about your bout of monkey morals.”

“You obviously know nothing about Barbies,” Satan informed her. “They share a universal mind. What one Barbie knows, they all know.” Stan nodded his head glumly in agreement and slumped lower.

“Ouch.” Heidi grimaced. “Well, I’m sure then they’ll all know you couldn’t perform for moral reasons.”

“They’re not that deep,” Stan groaned. “And they have no morals. “

“And you.” Heidi poked Demon Dave into his weirdly distended belly. Dave promptly threw up on Satan. “Ew. I was going to ask you what you were doing, but it now seems obvious.”

“Sorry boss.” Demon Dave gestured weakly at Satan, who is looking down at his lap with his mouth open in astonishment and disgust. “That kid made me eat five hotdogs, two helpings of potato salad, six different desserts, and a daddy longlegs. Oh look, the spider’s still alive.”

The spider was gingerly making its way out of the goop covering Satan’s torso. Satan growled and crushed it in one little sock fist. “Not any more, it’s not. “

Heidi dabbed ineffectively at the vomit with a used Kleenex, gave up, and handed the Kleenex to Stan to finish the job. “Well, I hope you guys have learned your lesson today. This is what you get for ignoring me in front of my friends. Thanks to the four of you, they now think I’m psychotic.”

“Oh please, they already thought that. You can’t blame your mental state on us,” Satan archly informed her. He wrestled the used Kleenex away from Stan, who was smearing the vomit further and lit it on fire with his pinkie finger. He then pointed the finger at his torso and muttered something in Latin. The vomit disappeared and was replaced with a tuxedo.

“They may have thought it, but now they have proof. You’re just lucky they didn’t decide to have me committed then and there. What would have happened to the four of you?” Heidi ignored the tuxedo trick. She’d seen Satan do that little parlor trick before, and it had lost its appeal. She supposed she should consider herself lucky his powers were limited when he was in sock form.

The four sock critters looked at each other. What would they do without the Sock Sisters? Would life even be worth living? Or would it be better? It might be time to find out.