Runaway Socks

“Honeys, I’m home!” Heidi sang out as she attempted to step into the house after a long tedious day at work. “What the he--!” She turned the knob, but the door wouldn’t budge. She shoved harder on the door and it finally started to move inch by inch. She threw her whole weight behind it and the door flew open, causing her to sprawl face first onto the filthy kitchen floor. The pile of tiny shoes, toys, debris, and dishes that had been stashed behind the door fell on top of her.

“Oof. Ew. Sticky.” Heidi pulled her head up with a sucking sound, and carefully looked around her. There were papers on every flat surface, and dishes piled a foot high around the sink. Dirt from a broken pot and some strewn leaves were in a corner and toys were thrown everywhere. She peeked around the corner to see the socks all staring blankly at a show on TV. They were hemmed in by pop bottles, empty ice cream containers, and piles of crumpled up chip bags.

“Enough with those stupid Kadashians, already,” she fumed as she crawled across the floor and jabbed the remote viciously at the screen. “They’re stupid, ill-behaved people, and I can’t believe you guys have been sucked into that stupid show.”

“Nice juicy ass on the one,” Satan retorted, making an obscene gesture with his hands.

“I’m fascinated with Bruce Jenner myself,” Stan admitted, as he sucked the last drop from a juice box and tossed it over his shoulder. Heidi stared at him, speechless for once. Stan saw her staring and misinterpreted her dismay. “I know, I know! He shouldn’t be that interesting, but I can’t quite correlate the Olympic star with that guy on TV.”

Heidi jabbed a finger at the juice box, and the other pile of garbage that littered the floor. “Don’t you guys ever pick up after yourselves?”

Satan shrugged. “I thought that’s what you were for.” Demon Dave glanced at his boss and inched away from him when he noticed Heidi’s puce face.

“You think I’m your maid?” Heidi asked in a dangerously quiet voice.

Satan still hadn’t noticed the danger signs. “Humans, my dear, have always been in service to the Lord of Darkness, the King of Despair. In other words…moi. So yes, I guess that means you could legitimately be called a maid. Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!”

Heidi had picked up Satan by a non-existent ear and was shaking him wildly.

“I.am.not.the.maid.” she enunciated loudly and clearly. She glanced around the group, all who were watching in shocked silence and holding on to any protruding body parts in case Heidi got another wild hair and started grabbing willy-nilly. “Everyone clear on that?” They nodded. “Good. Clean this mess up.”

She tossed Satan onto the couch and disappeared into her bedroom. “ARGH!” they heard her scream and then a blessed silence, marred only by the occasional curse and banging of objects.

Satan sat above the others on the couch, rubbing his swollen head. “Honestly, the nerve of her. She is SO going to Hell for that.”

Demon Dave decided it was now safe to support his boss. “Yeah. Who does she think she is?”

Mabel held her rosary tight to her chest and looked around the room. Cookie crumbs were scattered all over the room from the food fight the Socks had held earlier. “It is a tad messy,” she admitted.

Stan jumped up from where he was sitting against a torn cushion from their earlier pillow fight, AFTER the food fight. “What does she expect? She leaves us alone all day, we’ve got to do something to amuse ourselves. And we ARE socks, it’s not like we have the strength to run the vacuum.”

There’s a few muttered “Hear, hear!” and “Yeah, who does she think she is?” among the group. KS offers to take Heidi down.

“Let’s not be too hasty,” Stan holds out his paws towards the group. “We don’t want to assassinate her, but maybe we could teach her a lesson.”

Grunt the cannibal and Jeremy immediately got excited. “A cooking lesson?”

Satan hopped down from his perch so that he was among the group. “After the 4th of July incident, where she left me to be dressed like a Barbie, I’ve been thinking maybe we don’t need the Sock Sisters.”

There was a prolonged silence after this statement. Finally, one of the smaller socks got up the nerve to ask the question they all wanted to know. “But…where would we get our food?”

Grunt held up his spear. “We could hunt! I’ve got a spear, and KS has all kinds of weaponry.”

KS pointed to the toolbelt around her waist. She had guns, knives, a length of rope, handcuffs, a chainsaw, and a teeny-tiny cat. She pulled up her pants legs to reveal more guns and knives. It soon becomes clear that not only does she have weaponry stashed in every conceivable crevice, but she’s also a weapon herself as she demonstrated her martial arts and biting skills.

Demon Dave rubbed liniment on a couple of socks that were bitten during the demonstration. “OK, so where would we go?”

Stan waved them all the the window and pointed to the wooded area in the backyard. “We’ll camp out over there. That way, we can raid the house if we need anything. And Heidi and Kande can look out and see what they’re missing. I.E., us!”

“Stan, you the man,” Satan said, rubbing his hands together. “Lead the way, dear monkey. Lead the way.”

Thus, the mass sock exodus had begun.