The Socks Hold a Wedding Shower

"Where the heck is Heidi?" Kande asks irritably, looking at her watch for the umpteenth millionth time. "I want to open some presents."

Kande is sitting on her forest green couch, surrounded by socks. Some are perched precariously on the back of the couch, while others huddle near her feet.

"Open ours first!" pipe up Grunt the Cannibal and Jeremy his tiny shrunken headed friend.

"No, he should open up Cal's first," Mabel butted between the two, knocking Jeremy head-first into the ranch dip. She gingerly picks him out, taking her little finger and wiping off the dip inside one ear. "They go together, remember?"

Kande is sceptical. Cal is a Cadaver sock, and his mother, Mabel, is forever speaking on his behalf. In fact, half the time she was the one moving him around too. When would Cal ever get out from under his mother's influence? But...she is here to open presents, after all. Too bad her S.O. stayed back in California to hang out with her sister another week. And speaking of sisters...

"Don't you think I should wait for Heidi? The shower was her idea." The question was rhetorical. Kande is already tearing into Cal's gift. "It's a...what is it exactly, Cal?"

Grunt speaks for Cal. "It's a length of his intestine!"

Kande drops the snaky thing back in the box. "Gee, what a personal gift. I'm not sure I should accept, he might need some of that." Then she remembers. "And you said your gift went with it?"

Grunt shoves his and Jeremy's gift into her hands. "Open it! Open it!" All the socks take up the cry. "Open it! Open it!"

Outnumbered, Kande feels she has no choice but to open the gift, which she does very carefully. There's no stench. And no obvious blood. Perhaps it's not anything to do with body parts. But alas, she'd jumped to conclusions too soon.

"It's uh...um...glutinous," she manages.

"It's the stomach contents of a vegetarian," Grunt gushes. "Jeremy and I know you don't eat meat, so we thought it would be perfect. And he didn't feel a thing, did he Jeremy?"

Kande's face is an interesting shade of green. "And you thought this would go with a length of intestine, how? No, no, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

More presents follow, thankfully containing no body parts or a body's contents. The rosary Mabel gave her is given a spot on the coffee table carefully away from the gaggle of demons Satan brought to the party with him.

Kande gives her watch another glance. "For Pete's sake! Where is my sister?"

There's a 'huh, huh, huh" sound behind her. Turning to look, she sees Satan's prime henchman Dave doubled over, grunting out a laugh in his gravelly voice. "Are you laughing, Dave?"

"Oh, hoo," Dave grunts out. "Where's your sister? You should ask the Boss. It's a good one, aint it Boss?"

Kande's head swivels to glare at Satan, who is studiously studying his fingernails. "She was bringing the cake, you big dark doofus. It's devil's food."

Satan throws up his little sock hands. "Oh hell and damnation! Dave, why didn't you tell me she was in charge of the cake?"

Dave stops giggling and looks dumbfounded. "But I thought what you did was your gift for Kande."

"Oh well, it is, but had I known she was bringing cake, I would have delayed it."

Kande stands and towers over the two. Actually, she towers over them while sitting and while lying down. "What have you done?"

Satan points at the phone, which promptly rings. "Hello?"

Kande hears a tinny voice at the other end of the line. "Hi Sis! Happy Wedding Shower Day!"

Kande's lips thin (even thinner than usual). "Where are you? And why aren't you here? And where's my cake?"

"Oh, well, you know how career counselors always tell you if you can't imagine your ideal job, you should at least outline your Hell job? Well, that's where I am. In Hell."

"Satan sent you to Hell?"

"Oh no, my boss did that."

"So what makes it Hell?"

"Oh..." Heidi hesitates, then it all comes out in a rush. "I'm in the basement wallpapering the auditor's office and I'm all wrapped up."

"Get unwrapped up and get over here. With my cake!"

"You don't understand. I'm literally wrapped up. You know, me, glue, wallpaper, a bad case of being unable to measure...it was a disaster in the making."

Kande closes her eyes. She gets it, all right. Heidi has managed to wallpaper over herself. She glares at the little demon minions who are high-fiving each other all over the coffee table, hopping around like fleas. Occasioanlly, one comes into contact with the rosary and disappears into a puff of smoke.

"I'll send someone right over. Bubba!"

Bubba's eyes light up. He still hadn't forgiven Heidi for taking away the cat when Kande was gone. Now's his big chance to get even.