Stan Lee Redbottom

Kande and her S.O. agree to meet up with Heidi and the Librarian and their two children at a family reunion in Ft. Madison, Iowa.

"I know!" Kande excitedly tells her S.O. "I'll make Heidi a sock monkey! Won't she be surprised? And it will be 1,000 times cuter than any other ol' monkey because it will be my work of art."

"Whatever," her S.O. said. She was busy downloading Wilco music onto her ipod.

Later, Kande gazed at awe at her newest masterpiece. "I will call you Stan," she informed the sock monkey.

'What a sucky name,' thought the monkey. 'How will I make it with any girls with the name Stan? I sound like an actuary.'

Kande went out to pack the car and load the bikes onto the rack. At the last minute, she tossed Stan into the rearview mirror, only bringing him out so he could watch her eat piece after piece of banana cream pie at every little pie joint from D.C. to Iowa.

'Sadist,' thought Stan as he watched Kande pork out. 'If she eats any more, she'll burst out of her bike shorts.' This thought immediately cheered him up.

Kande and her S.O. FINALLY limped into the parking lot of the hotel. The car had blown a radiator hose just as they'd reached town. Kande couldn't wait to show Heidi Stan.

"Here!" she shouted, thrusting the hapless monkey into the arms of his new owner.

"Oh, he's so cute!" Heidi cooed. Stan immediately forgave her the cooing, recognizing a favored child when he saw one. And so nice! And so attractive her ownself! And so modest -- never would she go on and on about herself in a blogpost. Anyhoo. "What's his name?" she asked Kande.

"Stan. It fits him, don't you think?" Stan shot Kande his dirtiest look, but naturally it went right over her pie-laden head.

"Stanley," Heidi mused.

"Stan." Kande corrected her. "Not Stanley. Stan."

"He's my monkey. I'll name him Stan Lee Redbottom. He's showing his red bottom, which I think among monkeys means he's horny."

"My sock critters do NOT get horny," Kande informed her between gritted teeth.

Heidi cocked an eyebrow. "I beg to differ, dear sister."

Stan was both embarrassed and pleased. Embarrassed that his horniness could be seen so clearly. And pleased, because maybe now, Dear God, he could get laid. Surely there was a female sock critter somewhere?

Kande reached over to grab Stan out of her sister's arms when a little finger reached out and poked her in the nose. "You a boy."

"Eek! Demon Child!" Kande jumped on a chair and continued her girlish shrieking. Every time she saw her youngest child she threatened Kande. She was also the author and singer of the infamous song, "What Happens When You Die" which their father had taped and sent out to her. She gave Kande the heebie-jeebies.

She gave Stan the heebie-jeebies too. She fixed her bright blue gaze on him and snatched him from her mother, who thankfully snatched him right back. "Stan is mine. You have your toys, Stan is mine."

Stan smiled. At last! He was a boy toy.